What the hell is that? If I were an Internet shill, rolling in piles of sweet sponsorship skrilla from Pepperidge Farm, the manufacturer of Goldfish, I would happily explain that these crackers are "fun, baked with goodness, like real cheese, and--really, really yummy!" In reality, Goldfish are bland, slightly crisp salt bits with a flavor derived primarily from their packaging and color. The mind processes the taste of cheddar not because the crackers are "always baked with real cheese" (LOL OK, Pepperidge Farm, whatever you say), but because the Goldfish bag says "cheddar" and the crackers are orange (just like cheese!). If I were blindfolded and had a handful of Goldfish crumbs shoved into my mouth, I might describe the flavor as reminiscent of cheese, but only because my brain seeks to reject the idea that its human is voluntarily ingesting wood shavings. Goldfish are nondescript filler fare, the white noise of snack food.
Why did I eat this? Goldfish have been a pantry staple in our house since our kids were toddlers, a healthy snack alternative for our little, sweet-seeking missiles. I would give our girls crackers to munch on while they played or watched a movie, and I always had a container of Goldfish in the diaper bag to quiet growling in their tiny tummies. Whenever I open a bag of Goldfish, I still think of tiny fingers digging into cups as Belle and her Beast danced across the TV screen, or reaching around the front seat to hand that pink, plastic box to eager passengers riding in the back of the car on the way home from preschool.
I'd love to say that we always keep a bag of Goldfish on hand to help keep those precious childhood memories alive, or that this particular bag of crackers was leftover after our most recent foster kids left, but the truth is that Goldfish are the methadone I use to combat my harrowing addiction to Cheez-Its--the Cadillac of snack crackers. Goldfish are satisfying in that they offer a salt content and mouthfeel similar to Cheez-Its, yet disappointing enough to keep me from devouring an entire package in one sitting.
Satisfaction rating: 3
NOTE: A lot of time has passed since I made a fresh post on this blog, and I've eaten a ton of amazing food that I haven't written about: homemade cakes, Christmas cakes, 50th birthday cakes. (It's been seven years of straight cake, basically.) I don't know how often I'll post going forward, but I'll try to appear more frequently than the elusive McRib.
No comments:
Post a Comment