Cheddar Goldfish Crackers

I just ate cheddar Goldfish crackers.

What the hell is that? If I were an Internet shill, rolling in piles of sweet sponsorship skrilla from Pepperidge Farm, the manufacturer of Goldfish, I would happily explain that these crackers are "fun, baked with goodness, like real cheese, and--really, really yummy!" In reality, Goldfish are bland, slightly crisp salt bits with a flavor derived primarily from their packaging and color. The mind processes the taste of cheddar not because the crackers are "always baked with real cheese" (LOL OK, Pepperidge Farm, whatever you say), but because the Goldfish bag says "cheddar" and the crackers are orange (just like cheese!). If I were blindfolded and had a handful of Goldfish crumbs shoved into my mouth, I might describe the flavor as reminiscent of cheese, but only because my brain seeks to reject the idea that its human is voluntarily ingesting wood shavings. Goldfish are nondescript filler fare, the white noise of snack food.

Why did I eat this? Goldfish have been a pantry staple in our house since our kids were toddlers, a healthy snack alternative for our little, sweet-seeking missiles. I would give our girls crackers to munch on while they played or watched a movie, and I always had a container of Goldfish in the diaper bag to quiet growling in their tiny tummies. Whenever I open a bag of Goldfish, I still think of tiny fingers digging into cups as Belle and her Beast danced across the TV screen, or reaching around the front seat to hand that pink, plastic box to eager passengers riding in the back of the car on the way home from preschool. 

I'd love to say that we always keep a bag of Goldfish on hand to help keep those precious childhood memories alive, or that this particular bag of crackers was leftover after our most recent foster kids left, but the truth is that Goldfish are the methadone I use to combat my harrowing addiction to Cheez-Its--the Cadillac of snack crackers. Goldfish are satisfying in that they offer a salt content and mouthfeel similar to Cheez-Its, yet disappointing enough to keep me from devouring an entire package in one sitting.

Satisfaction rating: 3

NOTE: A lot of time has passed since I made a fresh post on this blog, and I've eaten a ton of amazing food that I haven't written about: homemade cakes, Christmas cakes, 50th birthday cakes. (It's been seven years of straight cake, basically.) I don't know how often I'll post going forward, but I'll try to appear more frequently than the elusive McRib.

Fish Two Ways

I just ate "Fish Two Ways."

What the hell is that? Red snapper and haddock, marinated in Soy Vay Veri Veri Teriyaki sauce and grilled, with a side of fresh green beans, sauteed in olive oil and garlic.

It's Wednesday again, and we all know what that means: I'll be enjoying a new episode of Top Chef after surrendering my kitchen to Cassie and Carl.

On last week's Top Chef, one of our favorite contestants, Kenny Gilbert, was told to pack his knives and hit the bricks. Fans of the show will remember that, for better or worse, Kenny was fond of preparing and presenting his Quickfire Challenge foods "two ways" or, highlighting the main ingredient in two separate dishes. A relatable example of a food served two ways might be a platter containing a pile of Oreos slathered in extra crunchy peanut butter and a scoop of chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream atop a bed of crushed Oreos. (Man, I would gladly pack my freaking knives and go home if I could make - and eat - "Oreos Two Ways" on Top Chef!)

My in-house chefs decided to honor Kenny by naming this dish "Fish Two Ways," even though it was two kinds of fish prepared the same way and not one type of fish cooked in two different recipes. Carl put fish on tonight's menu because he recently remembered that he hadn't used his ridiculous, fish-shaped grill basket since he bought it three years ago.

Why did I eat this? The meal was great and went off without a hitch - no bickering between the chefs and virtually no questions for me! Fish is not my favorite, but the haddock was delish. It was more flaky and less fishy-tasting than the snapper. The snapper, however, had a thicker texture (similar to salmon, as Carl noted) and was also quite tasty. Even the green beans were good, despite being abandoned on the stove for several minutes while the chefs tended to the fish outside. I wasn't able to finish my serving of snapper, and a small scuffle ensued when both Cassie and Carl tried to claim it.

Thanks again to my beloved chefs! Not having to cook tonight was a huge relief! And chefs: If you're considering recipes for next week, may I suggest the delectable "Oreos Two Ways"? It could be your culinary pièce de résistance!

As this lame photo demonstrates, Kate Just Ate has suffered a devastating photographic setback! I can't seem to get a decent shot from our digital camera. The pictures look fine on the camera, but when I upload them to the computer, they're blurry. At that point, it's too late to reshoot the food because I've already eaten it. Hopefully, we'll be able to figure out what's wrong with the camera and resume regular posts soon, but I can't make any promises, Christy. Somehow, I just don't have the motivation to write about what I ate if I don't have a decent photo to share.

Satisfaction rating: 8

UPDATE: Top Chef contestant Kevin Sbraga made bacon three ways for tonight's Quickfire Challenge. Bacon! Three ways! That's madness!

Asian Beef Skewers

I just ate Asian beef skewers.

What the hell is that? Delicious strips of flank steak, soaked in a fairly easy homemade marinade, threaded onto bamboo skewers, and grilled. I discovered that the key to this dish is slicing the flank steak against the grain of the meat. Doing so cuts the fat that runs through the beef and ensures tender meat, no matter how long you cook it.

Why did I eat this? I prepared a double batch of these appetizers for a potluck dinner party a couple of weeks ago and they were a big hit, so I decided to make them again for our house guest, Alex, a friend and grilled meat aficionado visiting from Seattle, WA.

Alex, an aspiring East Coast slum lord, is in town for a few days to make repairs at his rental property in nearby Media, PA. While serving last night's meal of beef skewers, grilled asparagus, and mashed potatoes, I informed our friend that he could expect increasingly less ambitious meals as the week progressed. We'll be ordering pizza by Wednesday and Thursday's dinner is likely to consist of cold cereal and toast.

The fact that this meal even made it to the table was something of a miracle. I had spent the better part of the afternoon trying to corral a hemorrhaging puppy, wounded after I clipped one of his nails too short. We had him sequestered in the office so he wouldn't bleed all over the house, but when Ellie grew tired of sitting with him, I took the pup outside and tied his leash to a chair while I grilled. We finally contained the mess by placing a tissue over his toes and covering it with a plastic sandwich bag, secured to his leg with a hair band. (And, yes, he's fine now - no need to contact PETA!)

Satisfaction rating: 9*

* This dish could have been a 10, but I was preoccupied with making sure the dog didn't gnaw the bag off of his foot.

Crab Cakes and Scalloped Sweet Potatoes

I just ate crab cakes and scalloped sweet potatoes.

What the hell is that? Two of my all-time favorite dishes: scrumptious crab cakes made from scratch using my sister's recipe and layers of thinly-sliced sweet potatoes, baked in a pan with butter, milk, and cheese.

It's Wednesday, and at my house, that means Top Chef. (Wednesday at my house used to mean back-to-back episodes of Beverly Hills 90201 and Melrose Place with a 40-ounce bottle of malt liquor, but I digress...) Last week, Top Chef fanatics Cassie and Carl decided to honor their favorite show by preparing dinner. The two chefs commandeered the kitchen, pored over cookbooks, and created an ambitious menu of crab cakes, scalloped sweet potatoes, and zucchini bread.

Four hours later--after a couple of frantic phone calls from the supermarket, a few culinary consultations with me, and a good amount of bickering--the meal was served and the kitchen was trashed. I would find bits of grated zucchini and cheese under the toaster oven for days to come.

Why did I eat this? It was, in the immortal words of Backpack, ¡delicioso! And not having to cook? Priceless. Though the chefs had some trouble keeping the crab cakes together while frying them in butter, they still tasted great. The sweet potatoes were perfect, even though the salt and pepper were inadvertently omitted from the recipe. And the zucchini bread...

Ah, the zucchini bread. Made with fresh, neighbor-inflicted produce and chocolate chips, this dessert had the potential to be awesome, but something went horribly awry. The inside of the loaf baked normally, but the edges and bottom came out dark and gooey, resembling something that washed up on the shores of the Gulf Coast. I'm not sure what went wrong; perhaps the chocolate chips sank and melted along the sides of the pan or the oven temperature was wrong. I didn't inspect the damage closely because I was too full to sample the bread and Top Chef was about to air. Carl and girls, however, enjoyed large slices of warm zucchini bread - despite its sad, homely appearance - while marveling at the bizarro ingredients featured in the episode's Quickfire Challenge. (Yak? Really? Is that even legal?)

Many thanks to my hard-working chefs! I can't wait to see - and taste! - what other culinary delights await this season.

Satisfaction rating: 10

Kẹo Hạt Điều

I just ate Kẹo Hạt Điều.

What the hell is that? Kẹo Hạt Điều or Cashew Nut Crisp, a product of Vietnam, is a crunchy, sweet candy distributed by Ho's Trading Company of Brooklyn, New York.

The candy came arranged in two small stacks of eight cashew clusters, bonded together with a drizzle of toffee and topped with a light sprinkling of sesame seeds. I initially thought the white layers between the clusters were part of the packaging, designed to keep the clusters from sticking together, but further investigation revealed that the layers were inseparable from the clusters and edible.

Kẹo Hạt Điều is similar to peanut brittle, but much less dense and not as sweet; the focus of this candy is squarely on the cashews. It was a lot easier to chew than peanut brittle (I never felt my dental work was jeopardy) and it wasn't as sticky. The white layers were the consistency of thin Styrofoam and tasted sort of like a communion wafer or the "cookie" part of Keebler Sugar Wafers.

Why did I eat this? I was in need of a snack, so I swung by Christy's box of crazy food, conveniently located in our dining room, on top of the unused puppy crate. The Cashew Nut Crisp looked as if it might possess the salty-sweet flavor I love, so I cracked it open. I couldn't detect any salt, but the crisp was still mighty tasty!

Live nearby and need a mid-sized, mint condition dog crate? Call me...

Satisfaction rating: 7

Grilled Asparagus and Zucchini

I just ate grilled asparagus and zucchini.

What the hell is that? Sliced zucchini and asparagus spears, basted with sesame oil and cooked on the grill. My neighbor has been quite generous in sharing her bumper zucchini crop this summer. She hands one off to me whenever I see her, sends some home with the girls when they visit, and occasionally wedges a plump squash between my front and storm doors.

This particular zucchini was enormous, probably weighing about a pound-and-a-half. The thing sat on the kitchen counter so long that Carl volunteered to grill it up. (If Carl's offering to cook something, you know it's been in the house too long!) Given its size, I expected the zucchini to be really seedy, but it wasn't; it was perfect - and more than enough for our entire family. Ellie doesn't eat yellow squash, but she loves asparagus, so I threw some on the grill for her.

Why did I eat this? Grilled veggies were an easy dinner side dish that provided a healthy respite from all the candy I've consumed lately. While I usually prepare vegetables with olive oil, the sesame oil I brushed on these added a delicious Asian flair.

I know you're all anxiously awaiting additional reports about the items in Christy's crazy food box, and they're coming - I promise! I'm photographing food as I eat it and the veggies shot was in the can and ready to go. So, as usual, you'll have to suffer through some vegetables before you get the good stuff.

Satisfaction rating: 7

Fruit Chew TXT MSG Candy

I just ate Fruit Chew TXT MSG Candy.

What the hell is that? These fruit-flavored gummy bites--imprinted with emoticons and text message phrases, such as l8r, lol, qt, btw, and : ) - are sort of like gummy conversation hearts. A large box of Fruit Chew TXT MSG Candy was included in a package I received from my friend, Christy.

As some of you know, Christy recently visited 1st Oriental Market, one of the largest Asian markets in Orlando, Florida. She shared highlights of her trip in a Facebook photo album entitled What Kate Mighta Ate. While the album's title seemed harmless, the description made Christy's intentions clear: She was on a quest to find food--bizarre food--for me to eat and write about here. An Orlando courier was dispatched a day after her outing, and Priority Mail from Florida soon arrived at my doorstep.

After viewing Christy's photos, I was a more than a little nervous about what she might send. She has a wonderful sense of humor, however, so I knew it would be something silly, maybe a bag of crackers with a goofy logo or some fish-flavored candy. I opened the 20-pound package and realized immediately that I had grossly underestimated Christy's dedication to this project. The box was packed with all kinds of crazy Asian food items: crispy wafer rolls, mixed bean crackers (with dried anchovies), a can of peanuts with soup, cashew nut crisp, rice candy, chewy taffy with a peanut butter center, duck-flavored noodles, a can of seasoned cockles (?), aloe vera dessert (?!), "Wee Glee Gum," and more. The print on many of the labels is in Chinese, so there's really no telling what's inside!

Why did I eat this? The picture on the Fruit Chew TXT MSG Candy box looked like something I might not hate and the ingredient list, printed in English, gave no indication that the candy would kill me. (I don't know what cockles are, but they definitely sound like a substance that could be toxic if cooked improperly.) Plus, Cassie and Ellie, lovers of all things gummy, were dying to try it. The candy was very fresh and soft when we opened the box. Ellie, our resident fruitarian, loved it; Cassie responded with a noncommittal shrug and admitted that she really only wanted to play with the text message phrases. I ate a few and thought they were okay, but I really don't care for gummy candy. It was difficult to discern any difference in the flavor of each color; it all had a vague citrus taste.

I've decided that the best way to conquer this box of peculiar food is to start with the most innocuous-looking items and work my way down. Much more food from Christy to come, but don't expect a seasoned cockles post anytime soon!

Satisfaction rating: 1

Warm Drinking Chocolate

I just ate warm drinking chocolates.

What the hell is that? The "Countries of Origin Chocolate Tasting," one of the various chocolate experiences offered at The Hershey Story museum, features six small samples of warm, liquid drinking chocolate from around the world that guests can taste and compare (without hairnets). Held at a table in Café Amusee, a small eatery located inside the museum, the experience was similar to a beer flight, but more sweet and decadent.

Why did I eat this? Our family obviously loves sweets of all kinds, but Carl is especially fond of dark, exotic chocolate. The tasting, which included everything from fruity African chocolate flavors to Indonesian chocolate with caramel overtones, offered a fun and delicious way to compare different, unusual chocolates, and apply some of the knowledge we gained during our workshop in the Chocolate Lab. Our only complaint about the tasting was that the sample glasses were too small (in retrospect, that was probably for the best) and severely tested our sharing skills.

All of the fabulous chocolate experiences at The Hershey Story museum; the comfy, fun ccommodations at the Hershey Lodge; and our exciting visit at Hersheypark have combined to make this family trip to Hershey, PA one of our all-time favorites--Milton S. Hershey's town and chocolate do not disappoint!

Satisfaction rating: 10

Chocolate Lab Chocolate

I just ate a Chocolate Lab chocolate bar.

What the hell is that? It's custom-made milk chocolate I created in "Planet Chocolate," a hands-on Chocolate Lab workshop offered at The Hershey Story museum.

"Planet Chocolate" was highly entertaining. The session began with detailed information about where and how cacao beans are grown, as well as how they're processed and made into chocolate. (Carl miraculously refrained from asking a zillion questions, though I know it was killing him.) Then, we donned oh-so-fashionable aprons and hairnets and prepared to make our own chocolate bars.

We poured pre-melted Hershey's chocolate into individual three-by-five-inch plastic molds, and added our choice of cacao nibs (roasted pieces of hulled cacao beans), cinnamon, and/or crushed red pepper. (Cassie reluctantly refrained from licking the inside of the empty chocolate pitchers, though I know was killing her.) We each decided to add all three ingredients to our bars, which surprised me because I thought for sure the kids--especially picky Ellie--would skip the red pepper.

Why did I eat this? It was delicious! Hershey's chocolate is my all-time favorite - suck it, haters! - and as the base for this bar, it did not disappoint. I was a little skeptical about the crushed red pepper, but it was very subtle and added an interesting warm sensation to the bar's flavor. The cacao nibs tasted like crunchy bits of unsweetened chocolate and the cinnamon, while faint, provided an exotic hint.

We devoured our custom creations at a table in Café Zooka, a small eatery located just outside the Chocolate Lab.

Satisfaction rating: 10

A Turkey Brick

I just ate a Turkey Brick.

What the hell is that? SOMEONE has expressed concern that this blog may be too narrowly focused on chocolate, so I'll break from describing my sweet indiscretions and share details about the delicious Turkey Brick sandwich I enjoyed at the Hershey Grill restaurant on Saturday.

The Turkey Brick is a grilled sandwich featuring carved turkey breast (not that thin, processed stuff from the deli), Swiss cheese, bacon, and pesto mayo on focaccia bread. The original menu item also included marinated onions, but I got mine without.

Why did I eat this? Ordering at restaurants is always stressful for me. There are too many menu choices and I'm a pretty picky eater, so I have to scan the menu carefully to find dishes that don't contain something I hate (like onions) or can be prepared without the offending ingredients. The added chaos of eating with the kids only makes ordering worse because I have to make sure they know what they're getting before I can even consider what I want myself. As a result, I end up consuming a lot of hamburgers because they're easy to order and I always like them.

Hershey Grill serves burgers, but a turkey sandwich--even with bacon and cheese--seemed like a healthier choice in my irrational, sugar-coated mind. (I'd had an infusion of chocolate every 15 minutes since arriving in Hershey and the guilt was starting to mount.) I somehow missed the menu blurb describing the Brick as "similar to a panini" and was surprised (or, more accurately, horrified) when a hot sandwich arrived at the table. Heat and mayonnaise is generally a bad combo, but there was just a hint of pesto mayo on the bread--not big globs--and it was really good. Each half of the sandwich had an ultra-thin slice of tomato on top, which looked like a little peace sign - very cute!

The Turkey Brick platter also included steak fries and a pickle. I'm not a fan of steak fries (too potato-y), but I ate a few of the crunchy ones. Ellie was anxiously waiting to scarf the pickle while I photographed the food and Carl snagged the giant olive.

It's back to chocolate tomorrow, Mr. Rosin. Deal with it.

Satisfaction rating: 8

Chocolate Butter

I just ate chocolate butter.

What the hell is that? This pretty rosette of chocolate butter was served with a dollop of herbed butter and a basket of rolls at the Hershey Grill restaurant (located inside The Hershey Lodge) on Saturday. It was like regular, creamy butter with a bit of cocoa and sugar added, producing a flavor similar to chocolate whipped cream. Carl and the girls liked it, but I'm not fond of starting a meal off with sweet.

Why did I eat this? I was starving! We woke up at 7am on Saturday to hit Hersheypark. The plan was to visit the park early - guests staying at Hershey properties can enter an hour before the general public - and then cut out for lunch once the crowds got thick. I went down to Cocoa Beanery, the hotel's café, at 7:30am to fetch coffee for the grown-ups, as well as juice, milk, and corn muffins for the kiddos. As usual, I didn't have the stomach for food at that hour.

We arrived at Hersheypark just before 9am. At around 11am, the park was packed and we were famished, so we took the shuttle bus back to the hotel and decided to have lunch at Hershey Grill.

After we sat down, our server arrived, brandishing two large, glass bottles of water. They looked like wine bottles with hinged corks; one contained sparkling water and the other distilled. She made a big deal about these watery offerings and the fact that they were served in recyclable glass bottles. I couldn't determine why this was important or how the fancy bottles were refilled once empty. Did they have big vats of sparkling and distilled water in the back that they pumped into the bottles? Were they just dumping in smaller bottles of water to top them off? (That's not environmentally friendly!) I suppose I should have asked about the water, but I honestly didn't care.

While waiting for our meal, Carl amused himself by adding sugar packets and lemon to a glass of sparkling water to see how much sugar it would take to make the mixture taste like soda. (Answer: at least six teaspoons.) Though the rolls that came with the flavored butters were dry, the rest of the food at Hershey Grill was quite tasty. More to come...

Satisfaction rating: 2

Tons of Hershey's Chocolate

I just ate TONS of Hershey's chocolate.

What the hell is that? We found these Hershey's Kisses lined up on our beds - four at the foot of each comforter - when we returned to our room at the Hershey Lodge after spending the day at Hersheypark. There was another row of Kisses along the base of the television. It was as if a chocolate snail had broken in, made the beds, folded the towels, and left a trail of silvery treats in its wake.

Why did I eat this? As if I had a choice! The town of Hershey, PA is all about chocolate. We'd been there before, but since we had never stayed in one of the hotels owned and operated by the Hershey company, I was amazed by how deeply candy permeates the entire experience.

It was no surprise to find plenty of confections made with chocolate (more posts on that to come), costumed Hershey's characters roaming around the hotel, and, of course, every variety of candy manufactured by the Hershey Foods Corporation available for purchase in the gift shop. What I didn't expect, however, was the chocolate-infused shampoo, conditioner, and moisturizer in our room; candy at every occasion (Checking in? Have some Twizzlers! Missed the family bingo game? Take these Reese's!); or the chocolate aroma that's piped into the ATM machine alcove in the hotel lobby. Holy crap!

After two days in Hershey, the stench had become somewhat nauseating, and I was relieved to walk through our front door and discover that the house did not smell like chocolate. Still, the box of Hershey's Golden Almond bars in my suitcase beckons...

Satisfaction rating: 10

Wheaties

I just ate some Wheaties.

What the hell is that? Wheaties cereal, "The Breakfast of Champions," with one percent milk, served in a Pyrex measuring cup. No, I haven't started obsessively weighing and measuring my food. I just like to surf online while I'm eating and the Pyrex cup is easier to hold and spills less than a traditional bowl. Laugh at me all you want, Carl, I won't be deterred.

Why did I eat this? I'm not a breakfast person. Anyone living in this house will tell you that I don't eat solid food during my first two hours awake; it's strictly coffee until my stomach starts growling. I needed to eat something, however, because we're leaving on a weekend trip to Hershey, PA at around noon and if I wait, I'll run out of time and probably won't get a chance to eat until dinner.

A bowl of cereal is an easy, quick option when I need to eat and don't feel like making anything else. I had been noshing on corn flakes for a while, but remembered that, after soaking 10-15 minutes, Wheaties achieve the ideal mushy consistency that I prefer in a cold cereal. Corn flakes get mushy, but somewhat rubbery. Me no likey. Plus, Wheaties have only 100 calories per serving, 10 or so fewer calories than corn flakes.

Food in the morning simply does not agree with me. I didn't eat those Wheaties until around 9:30am, but I'm still nauseated. I should have waited another hour.

Satisfaction rating: 4

UPDATE: Christy says I should launch a line of "Pyrex Everyday" dishware at Target. OMG, I would totally buy that! Think of everything I could accomplish while eating if all my dishes had high sides, handles, and spouts!

One Jaffa Cake

I just ate one Jaffa Cake.

What the hell is that? It's an English sweet, "made lovingly in the UK by McVitie's," a company based in--I kid you not--Ashby-de-la-Zouch in Leicestershire, England.

The bottom (top?) of the Jaffa Cake is rather nondescript, somewhere between a Nilla Wafer and cake in texture. I can't comment on the flavor of the cookie-cake because it's completely overpowered by a layer of dark chocolate. A chewy layer of orange jelly is sandwiched between the chocolate and the cake.

I don't love Jaffa Cakes. We hosted a teacher from England a few years ago as part of student exchange program. She brought a package of these "biscuits" with her as something of a hostess gift, and I politely devoured them. Now, whenever she's visiting or Carl stays with her in England, we get a fresh tube of Jaffa Cakes.

Why did I eat this? Because I wanted something sweet after dinner and there was nothing else in the house...except my stash of Hershey bars in the basement. But I'm trying to save those for our next camping trip.

Ugh. Okay, I'm not saving the Hershey's chocolate bars for camping. I ate one last night and still feel guilty, so I had a stupid Jaffa Cake instead.

Satisfaction rating: 2

UPDATE: My kids just read this post and are demanding to know where there Hershey's bars are hidden. Ellie claims she can find them; I've assured her she can't.