Key Lime Pie

I just ate Key lime pie.

What the hell is that? Wikipedia, my go-to resource for dubious information that I'm too lazy to fact-check, sums it up nicely: "Key lime pie is an American dessert made of Key lime juice, egg yolks, and sweetened condensed milk in a pie crust."

Though I don't generally condone fruit in, as, or around dessert (do NOT get me started on the affront that is putting raisins in anything, an abomination worthy of an independent post #triggered), I can usually handle it in custard form. I'm not a huge fan of Key lime pie, but it's one of Carl's favorites and since my friends and family love to spoil my spouse, he got a homemade Key lime pie.

Why did I eat this? In the interest of full transparency, I must note that I did not just eat this pie. I actually made (and ate) the confection many years ago with help from my junior chefs, Cassie and Ellie, but today is National Pie Day and this was the only documented example I could think of to mark the occasion. The pie was made using limes direct from Florida, sent to us by Christy and Darryl in Orlando. They had a lime tree in their yard, so when I told Christy about Carl's love of Key lime pie, she sent about five pounds of limes so we could make him one or ten (see? SPOILED!). I find it hard to justify making pie from scratch when I can always buy one that's as good or better than homemade, and I really don't eat a lot of pie. I'm Team Cake, though I may be in the minority.

I've been thinking a lot lately about Christy, the catalyst for this blog, and all the kooky gifts and food she gave our family over the years. When her limes arrived, I remember being very relieved that the box did not contain the live gecko lizards she was constantly threatening to send us. (Christy claimed it was a joke, but I have no doubt that if I had agreed to rehome the geckos, she would have found a way to get them here.) I still have a stuffed lizard Christy sent me on a shelf in my kitchen, and the rubber lizard she brought when she came to Philly with Darryl is on display in our china cabinet (because where else would it go?).

The limes, love, and laughter that went into this pie make my memories of it especially sweet, and I know that if Christy had her way, I'd be celebrating National Pie Day 2018 with a fresh batch of citrus and gecko lizards, direct from Orlando.

Satisfaction rating: 10

Cheddar Goldfish Crackers

I just ate cheddar Goldfish crackers.

What the hell is that? If I were an Internet shill, rolling in piles of sweet sponsorship skrilla from Pepperidge Farm, the manufacturer of Goldfish, I would happily explain that these crackers are "fun, baked with goodness, like real cheese, and--really, really yummy!" In reality, Goldfish are bland, slightly crisp salt bits with a flavor derived primarily from their packaging and color. The mind processes the taste of cheddar not because the crackers are "always baked with real cheese" (LOL OK, Pepperidge Farm, whatever you say), but because the Goldfish bag says "cheddar" and the crackers are orange (just like cheese!). If I were blindfolded and had a handful of Goldfish crumbs shoved into my mouth, I might describe the flavor as reminiscent of cheese, but only because my brain seeks to reject the idea that its human is voluntarily ingesting wood shavings. Goldfish are nondescript filler fare, the white noise of snack food.

Why did I eat this? Goldfish have been a pantry staple in our house since our kids were toddlers, a healthy snack alternative for our little, sweet-seeking missiles. I would give our girls crackers to munch on while they played or watched a movie, and I always had a container of Goldfish in the diaper bag to quiet growling in their tiny tummies. Whenever I open a bag of Goldfish, I still think of tiny fingers digging into cups as Belle and her Beast danced across the TV screen, or reaching around the front seat to hand that pink, plastic box to eager passengers riding in the back of the car on the way home from preschool. 

I'd love to say that we always keep a bag of Goldfish on hand to help keep those precious childhood memories alive, or that this particular bag of crackers was leftover after our most recent foster kids left, but the truth is that Goldfish are the methadone I use to combat my harrowing addiction to Cheez-Its--the Cadillac of snack crackers. Goldfish are satisfying in that they offer a salt content and mouthfeel similar to Cheez-Its, yet disappointing enough to keep me from devouring an entire package in one sitting.

Satisfaction rating: 3

NOTE: A lot of time has passed since I made a fresh post on this blog, and I've eaten a ton of amazing food that I haven't written about: homemade cakes, Christmas cakes, 50th birthday cakes. (It's been seven years of straight cake, basically.) I don't know how often I'll post going forward, but I'll try to appear more frequently than the elusive McRib.